The Whiskey Swiping Guide to Talking to Women

Ok... this is an unexpected post to come so soon. Those who read this, pass on this amazing and thought provoking advice.

Now, I am well known for my unexpected and random conversations, infact my own grandmother sums it up rather well,

'No one can have as entertaining and unique conversations as you, infact I can have these conversations with no one else...'

So, without further adoo - I present the Whiskey Swiping Guide to Talking to Women



The basis of this Guide came from a fellow - who shall be known henceforth as 'Ned'. Ned is a... errr.... well being kind I won't suggest he is an All American [Insert Popular Indie Band Here] fan.

Ned is a nice guy. He's a really nice guy.

Infact Ned is SO nice that he probably would say this to you.



How profound? Sweet? Endearing or does it lean towards slightly sociopathic tendencies. Now guys. When ever your mouth comes dangerously close to saying a Ned-ism, ask yourself 'Is this a Nedism', 'Will this make me look like a massive plonker to the girl I am trying to impress?' Lets be honest, the above quote is a massive pussyfooting claymore of a line to say. Its plain creepy and ridiculously emo. However... if spoken by Clark Gable...

Now to illustrate... the following are classic lines.


Casablanca


Gone with the Wind

Words can have outstanding passion, meaning, wit and substance when said with the correct delivery, body language and emotion.

The Neds of this world are unable to say 'Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn,' or even:

Normal Guy: "When that plane leaves the ground you’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life"

Girl: "What about us?"

Normal Guy: "We’ll always have Paris."

The Neds of this world will struggle to say those, now cliched, lines in any sensible way - indeed they may find the art of verbal communication, evolved over thousands of years and one of the most remarkable skills of all - well pretty much impossible to do.

I guess sitting for years in their bedroom with Jimmy Hendrix posters on the wall, listening to Pearl Jam, and drinking to J-Kwon - well its hammered their braincells a bit. They most likely will enjoy the most intimate relationship of their life with a small glass of Carling, (as they are too scared to move onto more challenging ales or spirits.)


Like the iPhone, Carling has a love it or loathe it quality - often associated with its drinkers

So here we have poor Ned, our Carling drinking, socially awkward, generic music listening, happy fellow. And he likes a girl, but talking to her directly makes his nerwous.

Why nerwous? Well as Nervous implies he can maintain his speech around said girls...

Anyway what have the Neds reading this learned thus far?


Ned loses his head over pretty girls

To Neds around the world, common sense dies a tragic and fast death. Imagine being hit by a high speed train, whilst smoking a joint, as the footage of this is beemed to your mother. She has just discovered that you secretly have a fetish for raw tomatoes and coleslaw and you have not completed your degree, infact your course was a mere sham of existence to worry her and forward her dementia.


The Death of Ned's Common Sense should be a source of Immense Shame

Anyway, when Ned talks to girls he now speaks to them a bit in person, a lot over social networking sites such as facebook, and to their friends. Ned's of this world, I repeat my impassioned plea to 'Stop Sucking. Start Being Awesome' such foolish communication will end nout but disaster.

Or put more simply if you like her, tell her. She may say no, however...



A girl says no, a normal guy has several options, the three easiest being:


Accept the:


Or - accept rejection and be The Boss:


Ned will not do this, even when made clear through all channels he will seek to make one of the most ultimate social faux pas. Indeed this is SO great that even I did not consider this a valid option!


Yes, you tell her that she is a Special Friend.

Now esteemed (and most likely confused person responsible for deciding if these tirades are worthy of the greatest prizes in the competition), and loyal, beloved, noble reader - well you may recall the famous explanation of how babies are made from the Ladybird books 'The daddy gives the mummy a special hug'?

Knowing Ned, this is where he sees his chance for a bit of:


The girl agrees to be friends, and he decides to push it a BIT further, in Ned's mind that is. Not realising that a 'bit' in general terms here, after having clear lack of interest stated is...


"Can we be special friends who enjoy having fun?"

Now... some girls will laugh that off but most will find that about as asking them...





Well so offensive that it would be a culimation of all the don'ts on this post, and all the videos, so offensive I'll take my own advice and call it a night...

Needless to say the real 'Ned', lack of tact + idiocy = LEGENDARY SPESHUL FELLOW.